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Major Unfaithfulness/Script
guys are sitting around the usual table when Wayne comes up to them. Wayne: "Let's move, you fartknockers. Time to open up shop." Wyatt: yawning "What's the hurry? We only sell specialized indie movies and no one who watches those is up this early." Wayne: "I don't own the store. Crazy Pete does. If I owned it, do you think I'd be in on the weekends at all?" walks away. The guys get up. Jude: "Hold up." Wyatt: '"Yo." ''catch up to Wayne. '''Jonesy: "So Wayne, how about a job?" Wayne: "No." Jonesy: "Why not?" Wayne: "Top five reasons? One, you think Top M16s is a good movie. Two, you're smug. Three, you're lazier than I am. Four, and this is a big one, I don't like you! Oh, and five? I've already fired you." Jonesy: "Yeah. But now, I'm really desperate for a job!" Wayne: "Okay, fine. Admit Top M16s sucks and you're in." Jonesy: "Never! Top M16s will go down as the best movie of the twentieth century!" Wayne: "Okay, now you're trying to bug me." shoves Wayne, and Wayne shoves back. They begin to wrestle. Wayne: "Have you even seen the star of that movie lately? Huh?" Jonesy: "Yeah, so–so he's crazy, so what? It doesn't detract from the impact of the–" pulls his hair "Ow!" stop wrestling. "Did you just pull my hair? You fight like a girl!" gasps and points ahead. There are familiar pillars sitting astride Underground Video. Jude: "Dudes!" four look back and forth between their competition and their now quite similar workplace. Wayne: "He didn't sell out to Taj Mahome Video. No way. He wouldn't do that to us!" Wyatt: "Guys. We've been Taj'd!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Major Unfaithfulness' ---- ''is sucking face with some guy while Jen looks on, annoyed. Jen coughs, and they break the liplock. Joe: "Wow. That was really good." Caitlin: "I know." something from her mouth "Hey, I have your gum." Jen: "Ew, gross!" Caitlin: "See you at lunch?" Joe: "Yeah, you bet." leaves. Caitlin: "Later!" Jen: "Finally! Can we go now?" Caitlin: "Oh, I'm sorry. Joe is just so great. We've only been going out for two weeks, and I've already been invited on a family wedding date." Jen: "What?" Caitlin: "Usually holidays and weddings are spared strictly for long-term boyfriend-girlfriend relationships." Jen: "So...it's a good thing?" Caitlin: "Yes! It means I've moved up a full level on the exclusivity scale like EEEE! overnight!" raises an eyebrow. ---- and Caitlin are walking through the mall when they come to a stage. Caitlin stops her. Caitlin: "No. Way. Do you know who this is?" Jen: "Fabris? Stylist to the stars?" Caitlin: "Fabris is only the most famous hairstylist in the film business." sighs. "Eee!" onstage "It's as if the stars themselves were actually here." up a pair of clippers "These scissors have touched Jessica Stinson and Lindsay Lohanigan's hair." Jen: "Caitlin. Don't play with the scissors!" two salon ladies "So if he's so famous, what's he doing here at the mall?" Salon Lady #1: "He's opening a salon and doing twenty free cuts today." Caitlin: gasping "Are you serious?" runs to them. "Eee! Sign me up! Wait. He'll be doing the cuts here? In the middle of the mall? What if I get caught?" Jen: "By who?" Caitlin: "By Andre, my regular stylist. Remember that disastrous home perm I gave myself in sixth grade? Andre reversed it for me, and I've been going to him ever since." Jen: "So then just stick with him." Caitlin: "But Fabris is a genius." Jen: "Alright, so take the free cut and then go back to Andre." Caitlin: "But what if I hurt Andre's feelings? Hairstylists are very sensitive, you know. They can tell if you cheat on them." Jen: frustrated "Okay that's it. It's obvious you want Fabris, so I'm signing you up." Caitlin: "Eee! I'm gonna look so hot! And just in time for the wedding! Yay!" ---- and Christo are welcoming the employees of their new acquisition. Christo: "Welcome to Taj Mahome Video's newest department, Indie Films." Jude: "W-w-what?" Jonesy: "Hey, I know you guys! You used to be cool!" laughs. "Nice hats." Christo: "Let me bring you up to speed. As of today, you are officially part of the Taj Mahome Video family." Wayne: "Crazy Pete would never sell out." Christo: "Would. Could. Did." Jonesy: "Why would you guys want this crappy little store anyway? You're huge." Christo: "Simple. Taj Mahome is the leader in every category of video rentals and sales except for one. Indie Films. Now, if you'll follow us we'll get your uniforms set up." Wayne: "Uniforms? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!" Jonesy: laughing "Wow. Now I'm glad you didn't hire me." ---- is giving haircuts. He spins his customer around to show her off, and the crowd claps. Caitlin: "So you're sure Andre won't notice?" Jen: "Absolutely. He has three back-to-back highlight appointments this aft. He's not going anywhere." Announcer: "Next up, it's Caitlin Cooke." giggles and walks onstage. Fabris: "Look at you! You darling thing! What can I do for you?" Caitlin: "Oh, I defer to your vast hairstyling expertise. Just make me fabulous." Fabris: "Excellent! I'ma thinking Punk meets Classic, you likey?" Caitlin: "Ooh, yes, I likey!" spins Caitlin around and gets to work. ---- while later, Fabris has finished. Fabris: "Quick! Take a picture, because this is the hottest new look in hair!" spins Caitlin around. He has given her what essentially amounts to a pink mullet. Caitlin: laughter but no applause "What? Isn't it...fabulous?" hearing a yes "Guys?" and Nikki nervously give Caitlin a fake thumb up. Caitlin's eyes are drawn to the Clones, however, who are making puking gestures. She runs offstage and into a restroom in order to take a look at herself. Caitlin: "Gasp!" realization hitting "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" Jen: "I guess she doesn't like it." ---- Underground Video Taj Mahome, Jonesy is laughing at the acquired employees, who are wearing black T-shirts and turbans much like Blade and Christo's. Christo: "All right! Looking good! Welcome to our morning 'Spirits up!' session!" Wayne: "Morning what?" Indian music begins to play. Four belly dancers come into the store. Blade: singing "At Taj Mahome we try to please/We specialize in video and DVDs." Christo: "With a thousand stores across the nation/We've forced the competition into starvation." Belly Dancers: tandem "We're so pleased you joined the team/We'll have lots of fun if you know what I mean/Now we own your store as well/And stock will be yours if you sell, sell, sell." Blade, Christo, and the Belly Dancers: "Remember our motto is we love to sell/And you'll all do so very very well/It's easy to sell a DVD/To a slob who's addicted to his TV/Now you're part of the Taj Mahome team." Jude, Wyatt, and Jonesy stare at their new bosses and co-workers, shell-shocked. ---- knocks on the door to the restroom. Jen: "Caitlin? Are you okay?" Caitlin: "Don't come in, I'm too ugly!" cracks the door and looks in. "I'm hideous." sniffling "I'm a freak." Jen: "You are not a freak." Caitlin: "I HAVE A MULLET, JEN!" Nikki: "It's not that bad." blinks at her. "Okay, yeah, it's that bad." Jen: Caitlin's hair "He actually put in mullet extensions. Wow." Caitlin: crying "Oh, what do I do! I can't go to a wedding with a red mullet!" Jen: "Why don't you go back to Andre?" Caitlin: "I can't! If I go to him looking like this, he'll know I cheated with another stylist!" Nikki: "Well, he might believe some kid did it to you in your sleep." begins crying again. "Okay, okay, calm down. I know someone who can help." ---- has taken Caitlin to the Khaki Barn. Kirsten is holding Caitlin's shoulders. Kirsten: "We'll take it from here, Nikki." leads Caitlin into the back room. Chrissy: "Okay. The first thing we need to fix is this hideous hair color." ---- is lounging on the couch when two customers pass the Underground Taj Mahome register. Jonesy: "Ahem. I believe the policy on greeting customers is 'Welcome to Taj Mahome Video's Indie Section!'" Wayne: "Drop dead." Jonesy: "Fine. I'm sure Blade and Christo would love to hear how you're ignoring the rules." Wayne: "Okay, that's it, you're toast!" Jonesy: "Bring it on, Aladdin!" Wyatt: Jude hold Wayne back "That's enough, guys!" Wayne: "I am not working for a big box store, I think I can actually feel my soul dying inside me." Wyatt: "There's nothing we can do. They own us." Wayne: "Do you wanna cheer every morning before your coffee?" Wyatt: bit scared "No." Wayne: "Right! So let's think." Jonesy: "You should have hired me." fed up, grabs Wyatt's coffee and hurls it at Jonesy. Jonesy ducks, and it splatters against the wall. Jonesy: "Easy! I know your pants are riding up your butt right now, but don't take it out on me!" Jude: "Wait. Taj Mahome Video only bought us because we sell lots of weird videos, right?" Wayne: "Yeah." Jude: "So what would happen if Underground stopped making money?" Wyatt: "He's right! If they were running our department at a loss, the Taj would have to sell us off!" Wayne: "Jude if this works, you get free rentals for the rest of your life." Jude: "Sweet!" ---- the employee lounge of the Khaki Barn, the Clones have finished working on Caitlin. Kristen: "All finished!" whips a towel off of Caitlin's hair. Caitlin looks in a mirror and gasps. Her hair now has green streaks. Caitlin: "What have you done?!? I thought you guys knew what you were doing!" Kirsten: "We do! Green balances out red! That's why you apply green-tinted moisturizer to reduce the redness." Caitlin: tearful "On your face. It doesn't work that way with hair." Kirsten: "Uh, yeah, and now we know that." Caitlin: "Oh!" growls. Kirsten: "Wait, I have one more idea." runs off and returns with something purple. "Here! It's the Bad Hair Day Hoodie with the extra-wide hood!" ---- walks through the mall wearing the hoodie, her friends following her. Suddenly, she stops and gasps. Caitlin: "It's Joe! Cover me!" dives behind a plant. Joe walks up to her friends. Joe: "Hey, have you seen Caitlin around?" Nikki: the plant "Hi. Heh heh." Jen: "We haven't seen her. All day." a second "Hey look! Free movies!" looks the other way, and Caitlin crawls away from the scene. "Oops! Must've been mistaken." Joe: "Look, I just wanted to check in with her about the wedding." Nikki: "Sorry, she's...not here." Joe: "Well, tell her I said hi." walks away. Jen: waving "Sure. Bye." Nikki: waving "Catch you later." stops and looks back at them. Jen and Nikki keep waving. Jen: "Later." Nikki: "Seeya." turns around and keeps walking. As soon as he's gone, Jen and Nikki exhale a sigh of relief. They then go back and find Caitlin cowering in the photo booth. Jen: "You can't hide from Joe forever, Caitlin. Why didn't you just tell him the truth?" Caitlin: "Because of this." takes her hood off and reveals the green among the red in her hair. Nikki: stunned "Yeah. Uh, uh good call." begins crying again. ---- Undergr Taj Mahome Indie Films, Wayne is outlining the plan to his employees. Wayne: "Okay, so the plan is to chase every customer out of the store and to try and lose money at every opportunity." Jude: "Not a problem." employees then go on a rampage, doing their best to scare away customers. Wayne is first. Wayne: Darth "Can I just ask you something, because you're here every day: don't you have any friends?" leaves, despondent. Ax walks up. Ax: "Hey." Wayne: "Oh goodie, the vampire is here! The tanning salon is thataway?" chuckles as Ax leaves, offended. "Yeah." older man walks up to him. Harold: "Do you carry Celine Murray Unplugged?" Wyatt: the store "Try the deli! Just ask for the cheese section!" and Jude laugh. Harold leaves. Glutes Girl: a movie "Excuse me–" Jude: "No, excuse me!" farts. "Aah." Glutes Girl: "Uuh!" drops her movie and runs out of the store. Wyatt: "Euugh! Nasty." Jude: "Mission accomplished." Wyatt: "Good strategy, though." woman comes up to the desk. "I'll take that." runs a magnet over the tape and hands it back. "There you go! That should ensure that the tape is completely erased." Older Lady: "Well won't that mean I can't watch the movie?" Wyatt: "Yeah. Have a nice day." woman angrily leaves the store. A few hours later, Wayne checks the receipts for the day. Wayne: "We're still making money here. We're gonna have to crank this operation up a notch." Jonesy: "Amateurs! I'm the world champion at losing money, and I'm sitting here, on my butt, an unused resource." Jude: "It's true, dude." Wayne: "Yeah. I'll wear this turban to a concert before I hire you back." Jonesy: nonchalant "Okay." Wayne: "Men, do your worst." Jude and Wyatt: "Aye aye, captain!" goes over to a pre-teen girl who is browsing for movies. Wyatt: "The guy dies at the end." girl looks at another film. "The guy's a ghost but doesn't know it yet. That's the big twist!" girl growls and shoves the case into his gut. Pre-teen girl: "Thanks a lot!" girl storms out of the store. Jude's chosen target is a large man with many muscles. He throws a DVD case at the man's head. It hits its target. Tattoo Muscle Guy: "Hey!" hiding behind the stack, chuckles. The tattooed man comes around the stack, fist ready. Jude: "Dude, n–" Punch. "Aw, m–" Punch. "Whoa–" Knockout. Jude comes to, Jonesy is staring down at him. Jonesy: "Nice shiner, buddy." has been lifted onto the couch and given an ice pack. He rests it against his black eye. Wayne: "Gutsiest move I ever saw man." ---- Jen, Jonesy, Jude, and Wyatt are sitting at their usual table. The Big Squeeze is closed. Jude: "Stupid loyal customers. We keep making money!" Jonesy: "The best advice in the biz is just a few feet away. I've got the plan to end all plans. Just get Wayne to hire me back, and it's yours." Jude: "I'm gonna get more ice." gets up and leaves. Caitlin: the Big Squeeze "Why don't you just help them now, Jonesy?" is about to respond when he realizes something. Jonesy: "Why is the lemon closed?" Caitlin: it a crack "I went to a new hairstylist." opens it halfway so Jonesy can see. Jonesy: laughing "Ahh! Man, that's bad!" Caitlin: "I know, I'm hideous!" Wyatt: "Why don't you go back to your usual guy and ask him to fix it?" Caitlin: "I can't show him! He can not ever know that I cheated on him or he'll never book me in again!" Jonesy: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's like saying I can't buy hockey pucks from any store other than the Penalty Box." Caitlin: "It is totally not the same thing. It's like cheating on a boyfriend. You get close to someone, tell them all your secrets, and then brutally dump them for someone more famous. What do you guys think I should do?" Jen: "If you ever want to show your face to Joe again, you're gonna have to come clean." Caitlin: "You're right! Let's do this." ---- girls are standing outside the spa. Caitlin: "Okay. I'm going in." enters the spa. Jen: observing "That's it, butter him up with a free squishy..." Nikki: "Ooh, squishy refused." comes out again. Caitlin: "He can't see me until Tuesday. I'm not gonna be able to go to this wedding." Jen: "Oh yes you will. I've got a plan." ---- has a huge, ecstatic grin on her face and a gigantic afro on her head. Caitlin: "Uh, so you think it's me?" Jen: uncertain "Uh, oh, yeah! Yeah. That is so fetch." Nikki: "Uh–very–uh–retro. Retro. And-and it totally covers all of your real hair. So, uh, let's go." ---- girls are sitting at the usual table. Jonesy comes by; seeing Caitlin, his eyes bug. Caitlin: "What?" Jonesy: laughing "Yo ma sista, catch you on the flip side soul queen!" angrily gets up, tears off the wig, and heads into her workstation. She pulls her hoodie up and cries. Nikki: whispering "Why did you tell her to take off the wig?" Jonesy: "You want her showing up at a wedding looking like a deranged disco queen? I'll catch you later." leaves. Caitlin has stopped crying. Caitlin: "Jonesy's right. My only hope is to skip the wedding and try to avoid Joe until Tuesday." phone rings. Caitlin picks it up and gasps. "It's him!" answering "Hello?" Joe: "Where are you?" Caitlin: "Oh, I'm uh, home sick." fakes a cough. "I'm so sick I-I don't think I can come to the wedding." Joe: "Oh, that's too bad." Caitlin: "Okay." Joe: "Get well." Caitlin: "Thanks." Joe: "You're welcome." Caitlin: "Bye." hangs up. "He sounded so sad." Nikki: "Are you sure you want to miss this wedding over a bad hair day?" Caitlin: "And have him see me like this? Definitely. Oh, I am never going to anyone but Andre again." ---- and Christo walk into Underg TAJ MAHOME INDIE FILMS. Christo: "We've got a serious problem here." Wayne: "Oh, I'd say we have a few. Where would you like to start?" Christo: "How about this? There's no partying going on! It's the Taj Mahome Video party patrol! C'mon! Let's see your team spirit!" again, the vaguely Indian music begins playing, and the belly dancers come into the store. Blade: singing "Hosting snobs for a dinner party?/We have films that are totally artsy." Christo: "A fun night in with just the girls/Watch a romance as you braid your curls." Blade, Christo, Belly Dancers: tandem "And if you want a really bad scare rent Dude of the Living Dead if you dare we've got your movie and it's all good, action romance Bollywood!" Wayne: glitter falls from the ceiling "This has gotta end." Christo: them a list "I'm just gonna ask you guys to go ahead and learn all the songs for tomorrow. Alrighty? Thanks." and Christo leave. Jude jumps in front of Wayne. Jude: "IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS PRECIOUS, HIRE JONESY!!!" Wyatt: "If you want this ship to go under, he's the only man for the job!" slaps his forehead. Wayne: "Alright." ---- is drinking a soda in Grind Me when he gets a call. Jonesy: "Yo, speak." Wayne: "It's Wayne. You're hired." tosses his cup away and realigns himself. Stuart Goldstein: hit "Ouch." Jonesy: "Well, well, welly well well. If you admit that Top M16s is a great film, I'll consider your offer." Wayne: "No way." Jonesy: "Okay then. If you'll excuse me, I've got more ogling to do." Wayne: unenthusiastic "Okay, Top M16s is a...great film." Jonesy: "Say 'Top M16s is a cinematic masterpiece.'" Wayne: "Top M16s is a cinematic masterpiece." Jonesy: "I want you to make me believe it. Yell it for me! 'I love Top M16s! Show me Top M16s!'" Wayne: "I love Top M16s! Show me the movie! Show me the movie!" Jonesy: "Top M16s is the best movie ever made in the history of movies!" Wayne: the end of his rope "Top M16s is the best movie ever made in the history of movies!" Wyatt: "He's really making him work for it!" Jonesy: "Take Top M16s and put it on the Wayne's Picks Wall. Do it! Do it!" Wayne: "Okay. It's on my Picks Wall. Now will you just get your butt down here?" Jonesy: "I dunno, I'm a little busy." Wayne: wailing "WAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Jonesy: "All right, I'll be right there. Consider your store bankrupt." ---- Und Taj Mahome, Jonesy is outlining his plan. Jonesy: "Alright, listen up. 70% of the customers in this store are guys, right? Well we're about to turn every single one of them off this store for good. And I've got the perfect weapon." whistles, and the dancers appear. Jude: "But they're all hot." Jonesy: "Do you trust me or don't you?" Wayne: "We trust you! We trust you." ---- and Caitlin are sitting together. Caitlin: "Think his family would've liked me?" Jen: "Definitely. What's not to like?" walks up, laughing slightly. Nikki: "Guys, you've got to see this. Come on." Caitlin: "I can't! What if I run into Joe?" rolls her eyes. Nikki: "Jen, are you coming? Come on!" and Jen rush off. Caitlin: "Go. Tell me all about it. I'll just sit here. Alone. Ugly." ---- and Nikki are laughing at an impressive sight. Jen: "No way!" Nikki: "What'd I tell you?" Jen: "This is just so bad!" four new Taj Mahome hires are dressed like belly dancers. Jonesy: "That's the idea!" pre-teen girl comes up to them and laughs before moving on. The next visitor is a teenage boy. Teenager: "HWAAAH!" runs away, presumably to find somewhere to puke. Jude: "It's working! No one's coming in!" Jonesy: a stunned Blade and Christo "How do you like that spirit, huh?" and Christo run away. Nikki: "Woohoo!" Jen: "Yeah!" walks up to the belly dancing boys. Joe: "Hey dude, have you seen Caitlin?" Jude: "Not since this afternoon." Joe: "Hey, you're good friends with her. Do you think she's acting kind of weird lately? I feel like she's avoiding me." Jude: "All I know is that she was feeling really guilty about cheating on some guy." Joe: angry "Oh? Well just pass on a message for me. We're through!" Jude: "You got it." ---- has just heard the news through her cell phone. Caitlin: "Okay Jude. Thanks." hangs up. "I can't believe he dumped me. He must've seen my hair." looks up and gasps. "There he is." angrily gets up and marches over to Joe. "Hey, I wanna talk to you! How could you dump me over a haircut? I mean, okay, it was a really really bad haircut, but a woman has an inalienable right to choose her own hairstyle!" Joe: "I broke up with you because Jude told me you cheated on me." Caitlin: "What?" Joe: "Jude said you were avoiding me because you cheated." Caitlin: "Oh, I cheated on my hairstylist, not on you! Yes, I know, it was a really awful thing to go do, but it was Fabris. So, we're okay?" Joe: "Totally. And you have to come to the wedding. But bring a wig." Caitlin: giggling "'Kay." ---- gang, with Wayne substituted for Caitlin, is around the table. They're still wearing the dancer costumes. Jen: "So it worked." Wayne: "Taj Mahome Video finally caved and sold Underground off cheap. To me." Jude: "Victory is ours! Now we can take these dresses off, right?" Wayne: "Uh-huh, and you my friend will now be getting all of your rentals free." Jude: "Cool." Jonesy: "So now you're the owner?" Wayne: "You know what this means, don't you?" Jonesy: "I get free rentals too? Sweet." Wayne: "No. You're fired." Jonesy: "What? After I saved your store, and wore this for two days, you'd do that?" Wayne: "Oh, and Top M16s? Sucks!" Caitlin: "Hi!" walks up, hair back to normal. Nikki: "Nice hair. So, how was the wedding?" Caitlin: "Oh, it was so dreamy!" Joe: up "What do you think?" has an orange mohawk. "Fabris did it." Caitlin: "I think we should talk." leads him away from the table. "Maybe this relationship is going a bit too fast." Nikki: "Oh, he's done." Wyatt: "Like a turkey dinner." Category:Season 2